View Full Version : Submit your jokes!
Usual stuff: no racism or anything and etc.
There are 2 hunters walking through a forest. Suddenly one of them colapses; his eyes are glaised and he apears not to be breathing.
The other hunter imediately whips out his mobile, calls emergency services and shouts into his phone "Help! I think my friend's dead!"
The operator says "Ok, calm down; we can help. First make sure he really is dead"
There is a long silence, then the sound of a gunshot is heard in the background.
The hunter gets back on his mobile and says "Ok, now what?!?".
EDIT: A joke by a friend who hates chavs.
Q: A Vauxhall drives off a 1000m cliff with 4 chavs in it. They all die when the car hits the bottom.
What's the tradegy?
A: The car had five seats.
Yeah I heard that one (the first one).
Anyway, here's my joke:
Two snails are crossing a busy road.
''We're going to get run over.''
''No we're not--ACH.''
''Told you we were--ACH.''
SuperBlob
9 Oct 2006, 21:50
It's the para-olympics swimming final. The man with no arms gets off to a good start. The man with no legs follows closely behind. The man who's just a head sinks down to the bottom. The man with no arms wins, with leggy shortly after. The man with no arms realises that the head has gone under, and swims down to get him, and puts him on the side -
"All these years of training myself to swim with my ears, and they put a bloody swimming cap on me!"
My dad told me that at tea
Why is everyone BOLDING them up? FINE.
How many Jehovah's Witnesses does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to knock on your door and ask if you've seen the light.
LOLOLOlOLOlOlllolol,,..:(
WARNING YOU MIGHT BE OFFENDED IF YOU READ THESE JOKES, I DON'T CARE BUT S:LDKFJSL:DFJ
A black man, mexican, and an arab jump off a cliff. Who lands first?
who cares.
next
Whats the diffrence between a preist and acne?
Acne waits till you're 13 to come on your face.
next
What did the man with leprisy say to the prostitute?
Thanks, and keep the tip.
I have more, but there realllllly bad. :(
MtlAngelus
10 Oct 2006, 11:17
A black man, mexicanSlick, and an arab jump off a cliff. Who lands first?
who cares.
There, fixed it :D
:rolleyes: :p
Liketyspli
10 Oct 2006, 14:19
A joke by a friend who hates chavs.
Who doesn't?
Some guy steps in the train and has a seat. At the next stop a dinosaur takes the seat in front of him. The guy is staring at the dinosaur, suddenly the dinosaur says ''What are you looking at?'' Then the guy says ''Well, it's just you don't often see a dinosaur in a train. Then the dinosaur awnsers ''Oh, don't worry, my moped is fixed tomorrow.''
A cow, a sheep, and a horse are standing together in a field, chewing the cud. The sheep says "Nice weather today isn't it?". The cow turns to the horse and says "Bloody hell! a talking sheep!"
pilot62
10 Oct 2006, 18:26
Two electrons are crossing the road, one says to the other 'I think I've lost an electron'. The other says, 'are you sure?' The first replies, 'yea, I'm positive!'
That one even made my Chemistry teacher laugh, and she's absolutely bloody heartless. Then again, of all the people I told, she was the only one who laughed.
Chav - or Pikey as they are known here - bashing is just so necessary.
Why don't chavs make love with the lights on?
Gets cold with the car door open.
Why are Chavs and slinkies similar?
They both serve no real purpose but are fun to push down stairs.
Geckogirl
10 Oct 2006, 18:50
I got this riddle from a friend of my mom:
You're driving in a car with constant speed, and on your left is a precipice. At your right is a fire truck riding the same constant speed and looks like it wants to pass you. In front of you is a pig that's bigger than your car and runs at the same constant speed too. Behind you flies a helicopter close to the ground that also has the same constant speed.
The question is: How can you stop driving without causing accidents?
The answer is: Ask the owner of the merry go round you want to get off!
This riddle cracks me up! :D
thomasp
10 Oct 2006, 18:59
Here's a fav of mine (no points for guessing why ;)), which you've probably all heard before:
Three Microsoft and three Apple engineers are going to a conference by train (on the same train). The Microsoft engineers buy three tickets - one each; the Apple engineers only buy one between the three of them.
They all get on the train. The Microsoft engineers take their seats, while the three Apple engineers squeeze into the toilets. Once the train is moving, the guard comes round and asks the MS engineers for their tickets - they oblige. The guard knocks on the door of the toilet: "Tickets please". The door opens a crack, a hand sticks out and hands the guard a ticket. The guard stamps it and walks down the train
The MS engineers watch in amazement and (in true MS form ;)) decide to steal this idea for the return journey.
So, at the ticket booth coming back home, the three MS engineers only buy one ticket between them, but the Apple engineers don't buy any!
Both groups board the train - the MS engineers all squeeze into one toilet, the Apple engineers into another. Once the train is moving, an Apple engineer emerges from the toilet - and goes to the Microsoft toilet. He knocks on the door: "Tickets please"
And, being an undergrad. engineer, I like this one:
To an optimist, the glass is always half full
To a pessimist, it's half empty
To the engineer, it's twice as big as it needs to be
Pickleworm
11 Oct 2006, 03:13
vvvvvvvvvv
Wow. Really bad joke Pickle, but also a really enjoyable story. Thanks for that :).
Really old bar joke which you've probably all heard before, copy+pasted off some other forum.
This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out. Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again. Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing. About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "hey, how the heck are you doing that?!" The first guy responds, "oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk." "WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below. The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're a jerk when you're drunk."
MtlAngelus
11 Oct 2006, 07:56
vvvvvvvvvv
Lol. Totally unexpected :p
Star Worms
11 Oct 2006, 13:39
I always find these threads funny because half of the jokes submitted aren't funny.
I came up with a physical joke once where you hold out your finger about a meter away from someone, asking them "What's this?" and sloooowly moving the pointing finger towards them. They almost alwase freak out the closer you get which is funny, but eventually you poke them and say it's a slowpoke. Kinda lame though, but most jokes are.
Here are the only jokes I know...
Two carpenters are working on a house that is being built, one of the carpenters is sawing some planks while the other one is nailing boards onto a wall. The guy who's nailing boards keeps picking out every other nail and throws it away, so the carpenter who's sawing asks him "Hey, why are you throwing thoose nails away?", to which the other guy replies "Half of the nails are backwards, I can't use them!". The guy with the saw just shakes his head and says: "You idiot, their for the other side of the house!"
This one is probably known by all, but still..
Mickey Mouse is in court trying to get a divorce with Minni. The judge say's to Mickey "You can't just get a divorce by saying your wife crazy.." too which Mickey replies "I din't say she was crazy, I said she was f'ucking Goofy.'
Edit: Argh, that dessert story. What an ending T_T
Pieboy337
11 Oct 2006, 14:54
what do you get if you cross a rabbit and a beetle?
Bugs Bunny!
Now thats a good joke :D
Preasure
11 Oct 2006, 18:42
A rabbit walks into a fruit shop and asks, "Got any carrots?"
"Nope", says the shopkeeper, "this is a fruit shop." So the rabbit leaves and comes back the next day.
"Got any carrots?"
"No, we only sell fruit here". and it comes back the next day, and the day after that, until the shopkeeper says
"Look, if you come in here asking if we've got carrots once more, I'm going to nail your feet to the floor." And the rabbit leaves, and the next day he comes back.
"Got any nails?"
"No"
"Got any carrots?"
MrBunsy
11 Oct 2006, 19:48
Ah, the nails (was with a penguin rather than a rabbit when I heard it though) reminds me of an old joke. Doubt if it's still funny anymore, but hey
"Mummy mummy! Why am I going round in circles?"
"Shaddup or I'll nail you're other foot to the ground!"
Thomasp, I love that half glass one!
Another chav joke from another chav hating friend.
Q: What's the difference between a bucket of s*** and a chav?
A: The bucket.
Preasure
12 Oct 2006, 19:16
An american, a russian, and a german are all playing golf and bragging about why their own country is better.
Suddenly, theres a beeping noise.
The russian man lifts up his tie and types on it as if it were a computer.
"That is our latest technology," says He. "I can instantly send messages to anyone in the world."
And so the three men get back to their golf game. They play for an hour or so, until they hear a ringing noise.
The American lifts up his palm, and speaks into his finger.
"Thats is our latest technology" says He. "I have a cellphone built directly into my hand."
And so the three men get back to playing golf. They play for an hour or so, when there is another ringing sound.
The German man throws down his golf club, runs off, and leaps behind a bush. The American man and the Russian man strut over and peer over the bush. The German man has his pants down and appears to be in pain.
"What are you doing?" they ask.
The German turns to them and says "I'm about to receive a fax."
vvvvvvvvvv
Just for making me read that whole story for that rubbish punchline, I will force others to read it. They must feel my pain.
It was a good story, though.
[UFP]Ghost
13 Oct 2006, 00:46
Just for making me read that whole story for that rubbish punchline, I will force others to read it. They must feel my pain.
It was a good story, though.
I got bored int he middle but kept reading. Good story but it took me a second to get the punchline cause i was so out of it.
Get the punchline? I just thought it was a quick and lame ending to the story. What was there to get?
Shockdude
15 Oct 2006, 15:19
three guys are on an airplane. the first guy throws a can out the window. the second guy throws a cigarette butt out the window. the third guy throws a grenade out the window.
the first guy sees a crying man. he asks, "why are you crying?"
the crying man replied, "a can hit me on the head, and it hurt!"
the second guy sees an angry man. he asks, "why are you angry?"
the angry man replied, "a cigarette butt landed in my favorite soup!"
the thrid guy sees a laughing man. he asks, "why are you laughing?"
the laughing man replid, "i farted, and my house blew up!"
Q. Why do elephants have big ears?
A. Because Noddy won't pay the ransom. :p
MtlAngelus
16 Oct 2006, 07:22
Get the punchline? I just thought it was a quick and lame ending to the story. What was there to get?
It's a wordplay if you haven't noticed :p
Better late than never :P
Alien King
16 Oct 2006, 17:24
It's a wordplay if you haven't noticed :p
Better late than never :P
Took me a while to get that. I pronounce Lever: leever, not *thinks*, the other way of pronouncing lever (the one that sounds like never).
Maunem2
16 Oct 2006, 17:59
It is russian humour... Situation is so how with some english jokes... & excuse for my english! :|
On one market of Odessa (town in Ukraine, where you often hear russian speech) old woman crying "Greens! Greens!" (she calls buyers). Tourist from Russia think that it is fennel, parsley & says her:
-Give me two bunches, please.
-Go away. - says old lady,- Greens! Greens!
-Give me three bunches!
-Lag behind, or do you not see, that I sell dollars?... Greens!...
Preasure
16 Oct 2006, 19:59
How do you keep a load of idiots in suspense?
I'll tell you tomorrow.
It's a wordplay if you haven't noticed :p
Better late than never :P
No I didn't notice. I must have subcontiously corrected the sentance in my mind putting the missing "the" in there.
Kelster23
18 Oct 2006, 02:46
Murphy's Lesser-Known Dictums:
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability that you'll get it wrong.
The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who get there first.
Give a man a fish and he'll eat it for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied: "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, because I still have mine!"
This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business! The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked:
"How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied,
"I make $300 a week. Why?"
The CEO then handed the guy $1 200 in cash and screamed,
"Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked,
"Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's!"
quakerworm
18 Oct 2006, 03:19
Two electrons are crossing the road, one says to the other 'I think I've lost an electron'. The other says, 'are you sure?' The first replies, 'yea, I'm positive!'
it's atoms. two atoms crossing the road. an atom minus electron makes a positive ion. but funny, with that correction in mind.
pilot62
18 Oct 2006, 16:00
it's atoms. two atoms crossing the road. an atom minus electron makes a positive ion. but funny, with that correction in mind.
Ah yes, that was a typo, whoops. :o
Star Worms
18 Oct 2006, 18:20
a typo is a misspelling not a misinterpretation.
[UFP]Ghost
18 Oct 2006, 22:52
a typo is a misspelling not a misinterpretation.
it was a typo so what was the point of that?
Alien King
18 Oct 2006, 22:58
Ghost;538487']it was a typo so what was the point of that?
According to SW, it wasn't a typo.
He spelt electron correctly. The fact it was supposed to be atom does not make it a typo.
Cat is not a typo of Dog, but Cog could be.
philby4000
18 Oct 2006, 23:51
He obviously understood the joke, or he wouldn't have posted it, so it certainly wasn't a misinterpretation.He simply wrote the wrong (yet connected) word with out thinking.
I'm sure that counts as a typo. Repeating a word or missing one out counts, so why shouldn't an accidental substitution?
[UFP]Ghost
19 Oct 2006, 00:45
exactly :)
MtlAngelus
19 Oct 2006, 08:02
"A typographical error or "typo" is a mistake made during the typing process. This excludes errors of ignorance, rather being the result of slips of the hand or finger, or in some cases, mechanical failure. Typographical errors typically manifest in the form of an additional or missing character, or the switching of two characters."
I don't think missing a word, repeating one, or typing the wrong yet related word would class as a typographical error myself.
pilot62
19 Oct 2006, 16:19
I typed the wrong word, not through ignorance, but as a mistake. As Philby said, they're connected words, and it's not as if I wrote neutron, the word electron was in the joke too. I wrote the wrong one without thinking. I'm sure everyone has had instances when they've said or typed a wrong word by accident.
I would have thought that counted as a typo, but apparently not.
Star Worms
19 Oct 2006, 18:31
There's no argument here - a typo is a misspelling. Typing the wrong word altogether is different. That was all my point was so can we just leave it at that now? It wasn't supposed to spark a debate.
How do you keep a load of idiots in suspense?
I'll tell you tomorrow.
No no tell me now, I want to know!!!! Oh the suspense!!!!
Anyway let's get this thread back to being about jokes, not typo's.
Q: Why do elephants have red eyes?
A: So they can hide in cherry trees.
Q: Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
A: No? Shows how good they are at hiding.
Q: How do you know if there's an elephant in your cherry tree?
A: Two of the cherries are wearing sunglasses on sunny days.
Q: How did the farmer get squashed?
A: He went cherry picking.
Q: How does an elephant get down from a cherry tree?
A: He waits till Autumn then floats down on a leaf.
Trust me if you want to pull, tell someone these. They'll be putty in your hands.*
-EDIT- More terrible jokes! Yay!
Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A: It was dead.
Q: Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
A: It was stapled to the first.
Q: Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
A: It was a copycat.
Q: Why did the fourth monkey stay in the tree?
A: It was a rebel.
Q: Why did the fifth monkey fall out of the tree?
A: It was retro.
Q: Why did the sixth monkey fall out of the tree?
A: It thought it was a game.
*This may not be strictly accurate.
wormthingy
19 Oct 2006, 23:06
ubuntu has a terminal command for jokes and stuff.. if you type "fortune" youll get a fortune cookie with a joke/quote..
Q: An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his
very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God?
A: Yes, up to isomorphism!
Q: What is a compact city?
A: It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted
policemen!
-- Peter Lax
Q: Why did Menachem Begin invade Lebanon?
A: To impress Jodie Foster.
Q: Why does Washington have the most lawyers per capita and
New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?
A: God gave New Jersey first choice.
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has
to really want to change.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed
from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed
upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of
the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating
at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of
the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the
second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the
parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be
limited to, the following. The party of the first part shall, with or without
elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other
means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party
of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered
non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall
have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner
consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes.
Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part
shall have the option of beginning installation. Aforesaid installation shall
occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in
step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation
should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the
first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to
produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney?
A: An offer you can't understand.
Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation
function, the more expensive it becomes to compute?
A: That's the Law of Spline Demand.
more like this, and other stuff can be found in the txt
*Jokes*
Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the cherry tree?
A: He thought he was a monkey.
Haha that's amazing! I'm so gonna use that one now. Cheers Plasma. You have inconvenienced everybody who has to put up with my awful jokes by giving me more.
[Insert evil laugh here]
pilot62
22 Oct 2006, 23:16
Haha that's amazing! I'm so gonna use that one now. Cheers Plasma. You have inconvenienced everybody who has to put up with my awful jokes by giving me more.
[Insert evil laugh here]
Why do elephants paint their balls red?
So they can hide in Cherry trees.
What's the most painful noise in the jungle?
Monkey eating cherries...
A guy wearing a turban walks into a bar with a parot on his shoulder.
The bartender says "Hey! Where'd you get that?".
The parot says "India, They got em all over the place!"
A duck walks into B&Q and shouts at one of the shopkeepers "Hey you! Get me some of that red paint and put it on my bill!"
PS: Both jokes from a web site: But i'm confident the web site got the jokes from World of Warcraft. (They're both "/Emote silly" jokes told by Human males.)
Shockdude
26 Oct 2006, 01:38
you're so fat that when you went to the beach, the tide came in
you're so fat that when you stepped on the scale, it said, "one person at a time, please"
you're so fat that when you skydived in an orange jumpsuit, people thought you were the sunset
you're so fat that when you did your daily jog, you set off three siesmographs
you're so fat that when you sat down in class, you sat next to everybody
you're so fat that when you went to the beach, the tide came in
you're so fat that when you stepped on the scale, it said, "one person at a time, please"
you're so fat that when you wore an orange suit and jumped of the world's tallest building, people thought you were the sunset
you're so fat that when you did your daily jog, you set off three siesmographs
you're so fat that when you sat down in class, you sat next to everybody
You're so fat that when you jumped in the bathwater the bathwater jumped out.
You're so fat that the earth is hurtling through space.
Gardy Looo
26 Oct 2006, 19:24
You're so fat that when you jumped in the bathwater the bathwater jumped out.
You're so fat that the earth is hurtling through space.
You're so fat that when you were delivered, the doctors thought it was twins.
You're so fat that NASA sent a satellite to orbit you.
All bad, I know. :p
and now even bigger:
You're so fat that you have smaller fat people orbiting you.
You're so fat that the Big Bang was really just your stomach exploding from over-eating.
*runs*
Apocalypse
2 Nov 2006, 21:01
Found this on another forum:
A Police Officer was waiting along the side of a highway waiting to catch speeding drivers. There weren't as many violators this day as usual. The State Police Officer sees an old car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies-two in the front seat and three in the back - wide-eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't
understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks with concern.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 215."
:o
wormthingy
3 Nov 2006, 00:04
An oldish couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career. They decided to do a small test. They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table, and hid, pretending they're not home. The father's plan was: "If out son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."
So, the parents waited nervously, hiding in the nearby closet. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive.
The son saw the note they had left. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it. Then, he grabbed the bottle, opened it and took a whiff, to get assured of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all the three items. The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Dam! Our son is going to be a politician!"
Shockdude
3 Nov 2006, 01:57
you're so fat that when you went to the aquarium, the whales came up and sang, "we are family, even though you're fatter than me
you're so fat that when you did your daily jog, you made potholes in the sidewalk
you're so fat that when you put on a red jacket, kids ran up and yelled, "kool-aid man! kool-aid man!"
you're so fat you're fat:p
Kelster23
3 Nov 2006, 05:46
You're so fat that you have your own climate.
You're so fat that they tried to harpoon you.
You're so fat that when you go places, you call a construction company to make doors for you.
You're so fat AND stupid that you think being fat is a virus. Of course, you keep eating, thinking that you're keeping the virus at bay.
DENNIS LEARY, OH YEAH!
Liketyspli
3 Nov 2006, 15:36
havent i seen the one from nutty professor? oh wells:
You're so fat, you need a map to find your ass
Apocalypse
4 Nov 2006, 10:48
can we quit the fat jokes? they're getting lame -_-''
A woman was driving down a road and a guy was driving in the opposite direction.
The woman yelled "PIG!" and the guy yelled "BlTCH!" before hitting a pig.
SuperBlob
4 Nov 2006, 11:02
Lol, nice jokes Apoc. Also, GETTING lame? They always were :p
Rarsonic
5 Nov 2006, 16:28
-Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup!
-Do I call a lifeguard?
-Waiter, waiter! There's a fly in my soup!
-Don't worry, it won't drink very much.
-Waiter, there's a dead fly on my soup!
-And what were you waiting for this price? An alive one?
-Waiter, there's a dead fly on my soup!
-It is a fact that they are lame swimmers.
-Waiter, there's a fly on my soup!
-Shut up or the rest of the people will be asking for it!
-Waiter, this chicken has a longer leg than the other!
-Are you going to dance with it? What do you care?
-Waiter, waiter! Is this lamb or chicken?
-Don't you notice the tasting difference?
-No...
-So why are you complaining?
-Waiter, waiter! This lobster has just one claw!
-It may lost the other claw in a fight...
-Bring me the winner one then, please.
-Waiter! There's a cockroach on my salad!!
-Heh, this is going to be useless. I hate cockroaches too.
-Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup!
-Do I call a lifeguard?
-Waiter, waiter! There's a fly in my soup!
-Don't worry, it won't drink very much.
-Waiter, there's a dead fly on my soup!
-And what were you waiting for this price? An alive one?
-Waiter, there's a dead fly on my soup!
-It is a fact that they are lame swimmers.
-Waiter, there's a fly on my soup!
-Shut up or the rest of the people will be asking for it!
-Waiter, this chicken has a longer leg than the other!
-Are you going to dance with it? What do you care?
-Waiter, waiter! Is this lamb or chicken?
-Don't you notice the tasting difference?
-No...
-So why are you complaining?
-Waiter, waiter! This lobster has just one claw!
-It may lost the other claw in a fight...
-Bring me the winner one then, please.
-Waiter! There's a cockroach on my salad!!
-Heh, this is going to be useless. I hate cockroaches too.
"Waiter, waiter! There's a fly in my soup!"
"Don't worry, the spider on your bread will get it."
Apocalypse
5 Nov 2006, 19:21
The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of
Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound"
that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of
course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question:
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas
cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which
they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell,
it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell,
let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most
of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you
will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since
people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to
Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls
in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the
volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature
and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand
proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all
Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into
account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and
thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows
that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only
Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why,
last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
*Gasp* :eek:
The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of
Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound"
that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of
course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question:
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas
cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which
they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell,
it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell,
let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most
of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you
will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since
people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to
Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls
in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the
volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature
and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand
proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all
Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into
account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and
thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows
that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only
Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why,
last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
*Gasp* :eek:
wowzers!!!
Apocalypse
12 Nov 2006, 11:19
Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes
(Must Read Out Loud)
That’s not right
Sum Ting Wong
Are you harbouring a fugitive
Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP
Kum Hia
Stupid Man
Dum Fu k
Small Horse
Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach
Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped the coffee table
Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift
Chin Tu Fat
It’s very dark in here
Wai So Dim
I thought you were on a diet
Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone
No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week
Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight
Lei Ying Lo
He’s cleaning his automobile
Wa Shing Ka
Your body odour is offensive
Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great
Fa Kin Su Pah
agent luke
12 Nov 2006, 12:44
iv'e got one! This missionary is running through the jungle being chased by a lion, then suddenly he stops and says "lord make this lion a christian!" then the lion stops, then he hears it whisper: "lord bless this food i'm about to eat.."
two more: this guy and his girlfreind are driving a car, then the guy suddenly hit a squirrl so his girl friend says "hey you just hit a little squirrl!" then the guy says "i better go see if its okay" so the guy gets out of his car and takes a can out of his trunk, then he sprays the squirrl with it, then the squirrl jerks up and walks away a bit, then turns around and waves, and it keeps doing that until the guy can't see it anymore, so the guy gets back in the car, and his girlfreind asks "what did you spray on him?" then the guy says"Oh instant revieveing hairspray with permenant wave!"
2 weeks later the guy hits a cat, so he gets out of the car to check it out, then he see's a motion-less cat in the ditch, so he says "Aw man its probly suffering" so he gets a shovel out of his trunk and gets into the ditch and WHAMS the cat with it, then there is this old lady sitting her porch with her mouth open, then the guy gets back into his car and gets home, then the girlfreind has a shocked face! the guy says "What?" then the girlfreind says "Theres a cat on your bumper!"
this guy and his girlfreind are driving a car, then the guy suddenly hit a squirrl so his girl friend says "hey you just hit a little squirrl!" then the guy says "i better go see if its okay" so the guy gets out of his car and takes a can out of his trunk, then he sprays the squirrl with it, then the squirrl jerks up and walks away a bit, then turns around and waves, and it keeps doing that until the guy can't see it anymore, so the guy gets back in the car, and his girlfreind asks "what did you spray on him?" then the guy says"Oh instant revieveing hairspray with permenant wave!"
Uh, he's supposed to have hit a hare, not a squirrel. Hence the pun about reviving hairspray. DOH!
agent luke
12 Nov 2006, 20:56
this guy walks up to a midget and asks him for five bucks, so the midget says "Sorry, i'm a little short right now"
Kelster23
12 Nov 2006, 21:41
"A balloon for my kid."
"50 silver coins."
"Fifty silver coins?! How can a dumb balloon cost so much?!"
"Inflation."
***note: This was a comic based in viking times, Hagar the Horrible if you've ever heard of it.***
MrBunsy
12 Nov 2006, 22:25
Hagar the Horrible! I've read them! :D
agent luke
13 Nov 2006, 13:19
Cannible qoutes having a much diff meaning:
"I'm having the boss over for dinner"
when they go to a hotel they have "Check-in noodle soup"
Cannibles have a bacheler party more often because they always eat their wife's..
a cannible calling his wife a hot dish ment something else..
agent luke
13 Nov 2006, 17:03
Welll...yeah, i'm having trouble thinking up jokes...everyone knows that clever sarcastic jokes are the best
Kelster23
13 Nov 2006, 19:53
Another Hagar the Horrible one!
"Two beers"
Guy walks by carrying a sign that reads "The end is near."
"And hurry!"
Apocalypse
13 Nov 2006, 19:59
Hehehe, nice one XD
A guy walks up to the bar and orders 8 whiskeys. The barman pours the drinks and gives them to the man. He gulps em all down in one go and said: "I shouldn't have done what I just did.."
Being curious, the barman asked "What is the problem?"
"well.. I only have 20 pence." the man replied. :p
Kelster23
14 Nov 2006, 02:28
Cannible qoutes having a much diff meaning:
"I'm having the boss over for dinner"
when they go to a hotel they have "Check-in noodle soup"
Cannibles have a bacheler party more often because they always eat their wife's..
a cannible calling his wife a hot dish ment something else..
Imagine the family over for Thanksgiving... as in a family of Cannibles inviting the rest of their non-cannible family over:
"Where's the food?"
CHOMP.
"Grandpa?"
wormthingy
14 Nov 2006, 08:29
Cannible qoutes having a much diff meaning:
"I'm having the boss over for dinner"
thats just a messed up quote from hannibal in "the silence of the lambs"
"im having an old freind for dinner..."
agent luke
14 Nov 2006, 20:28
thats just a messed up quote from hannibal in "the silence of the lambs"
"im having an old freind for dinner..."
hannible wha? i got that joke from an old garfield comic..
thomasp
14 Nov 2006, 20:43
hannible wha? i got that joke from an old garfield comic..
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hannibal_Lecter (and http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Silence_of_the_Lambs_%28novel%29 )
You'll find out when you're older ;)
Cisken1
14 Nov 2006, 20:44
hannible wha? i got that joke from an old garfield comic..
http://web.mit.edu/mokang/Public/fail.jpg
Kelster23
15 Nov 2006, 18:19
http://web.mit.edu/mokang/Public/fail.jpg
No better way to put it Cisken!
MrBunsy
15 Nov 2006, 22:32
Someone needs to knock one of them up for Boris Johnson's tackle.
philby4000
15 Nov 2006, 22:36
CANNIBAL
That's right, Agent luke, you're an idiot.
And Kelster is an even bigger idiot for copying such an obvious mis-spelling.
Kelster23
16 Nov 2006, 19:04
CANNIBAL
That's right, Agent luke, you're an idiot.
And Kelster is an even bigger idiot for copying such an obvious mis-spelling.
I didn't know how to spell it in the first place!:(
Cisken1
18 Nov 2006, 18:33
CANNIBAL
That's right, Agent luke, you're an idiot.
And Kelster is an even bigger idiot for copying such an obvious mis-spelling.
I think that's the whole point.
WormOfFire
19 Nov 2006, 11:48
"Two cannibals are eating food (well...humans =p)
then they see a Knight walk past them,then one of the cannibals say:Yuck! canned food..."
I'm not good translating Swedish into English,so excuse me.
Cisken1
20 Nov 2006, 08:54
"Two cannibals are eating food (well...humans =p)
then they see a Knight walk past them,then one of the cannibals say:Yuck! canned food..."
I'm not good translating Swedish into English,so excuse me.
lol, now that one I like!
*WARNING, BAD JOKE*
Two peanuts walk in the street, one was assaulted!
...
agent luke
20 Nov 2006, 12:20
This guy walks into a bar looking for work and asks the bartender "Can i have a job?" then the bartender says "Sorry, i don't need much help right now." so the guy says "Thats ok, I won't be much help!"
[UFP]Ghost
20 Nov 2006, 21:58
lol, now that one I like!
*WARNING, BAD JOKE*
Two peanuts walk in the street, one was assaulted!
...
rofl, that was pretty good.
Paul.Power
20 Nov 2006, 22:16
"Okay, I call this meeting of the Mobius Resistance Council to order. Wait a minute, what's that Grounder robot doing here?"
"... I'm a mole?"
Cisken1
20 Nov 2006, 23:46
"Okay, I call this meeting of the Mobius Resistance Council to order. Wait a minute, what's that Grounder robot doing here?"
"... I'm a mole?"
eh?
ehhh?
"Okay, I call this meeting of the Mobius Resistance Council to order. Wait a minute, what's that Grounder robot doing here?"
"... I'm a mole?"
Hahaha. That's got to be the first video game related joke i've heard that's any good.
Kelster23
21 Nov 2006, 03:21
Put this one on your site if you got one.
How do you keep an idiot busy?
Click me to find out!
****make sure the so-called link is in blue****
Apocalypse
21 Nov 2006, 07:54
LMAO, I actually pressed it twice :eek:
SuperBlob
21 Nov 2006, 10:24
"Okay, I call this meeting of the Mobius Resistance Council to order. Wait a minute, what's that Grounder robot doing here?"
"... I'm a mole?"
I think I get it, but could you explain anyway? :p
Paul.Power
21 Nov 2006, 13:09
The planet on which the first few Sonic games are set is called Mobius (continuity has never been a strong point of Sonic, and "canon" is probably what the Doc shoots lasers out of). So Mobius Resistance Council is an oblique reference to the early Sonic games, where Doctor Robotnik is actually a serious global domination threat, and the concept of a resistance council is thus viable.
Grounder is an robot enemy in Sonic 2 (specifically Aquatic Ruins) shaped like a mole. Presumably he's been sent to spy on the council by Dr. Robotnik (Either that, or he's working for the MRC and relaying information on the Doc's plans to them: I left it kinda open-ended). And of course a mole is another name for a spy.
SuperBlob
21 Nov 2006, 13:21
The planet on which the first few Sonic games are set is called Mobius (continuity has never been a strong point of Sonic, and "canon" is probably what the Doc shoots lasers out of). So Mobius Resistance Council is an oblique reference to the early Sonic games, where Doctor Robotnik is actually a serious global domination threat, and the concept of a resistance council is thus viable.
Grounder is an robot enemy in Sonic 2 (specifically Aquatic Ruins) shaped like a mole. Presumably he's been sent to spy on the council by Dr. Robotnik (Either that, or he's working for the MRC and relaying information on the Doc's plans to them: I left it kinda open-ended). And of course a mole is another name for a spy.
I only actually needed the last sentence to get that, but thanks anywho :p
Kelster23
23 Nov 2006, 06:01
Wasn't Grounder a little blue/green tank like robot who was the so called twin of Scratch from the really early series?
And sounded like Patrick off of Spongebob actually...
SuperBlob
23 Nov 2006, 15:47
Wasn't Grounder a little blue/green tank like robot who was the so called twin of Scratch from the really early series?
And sounded like Patrick off of Spongebob actually...
That's the TV show, not the game :p
Paul.Power
23 Nov 2006, 17:41
This is a Grounder:
Kelster23
24 Nov 2006, 06:37
This is a Grounder:
Wow, different!
Sorry, I don't play the new Sonic games... any of you major Sonic fans may NOT shoot me.
Paul.Power
24 Nov 2006, 06:46
Wow, different!
Sorry, I don't play the new Sonic games... any of you major Sonic fans may NOT shoot me.But Sonic 2 is an OLD Sonic game... unless you have a very, very strange definition of "new".
Apocalypse
24 Nov 2006, 10:25
"New" usually means "not seen before", so... To me a 5 yr old game that I haven't played yet, seems new. ;)
Paul.Power
24 Nov 2006, 11:26
"New" usually means "not seen before", so... To me a 5 yr old game that I haven't played yet, seems new. ;)That makes no sense at all in context.
I haven't played Pokemon. It may mean that playing Pokemon Blue would be a new experience for me, but does it mean I can describe Pokemon Blue as a "new Pokemon game"? No.
Sonic 2 is 14 years old now (to the very day, as it happens. How about that for a coincidence). There are people posting on this forum younger than that. Hell, Kelster was one year old when it was released. To call it a "new Sonic game" is like saying Lethal Weapon 2 is a "new Lethal Weapon movie", or the Mega Drive is a "new console".
Apocalypse
24 Nov 2006, 13:18
That makes no sense at all in context.
I haven't played Pokemon. It may mean that playing Pokemon Blue would be a new experience for me, but does it mean I can describe Pokemon Blue as a "new Pokemon game"? No. That's because you knew of its existance.
If you're not convinced the slightest bit, then I give up :p
Paul.Power
24 Nov 2006, 13:27
That's because you knew of its existance.
If you're not convinced the slightest bit, then I give up :p
I admit this is just me, but I find it really quite tricky to conceive that someone who has watched the TV show "The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog" (as Kelster presumably has, given she knows of Grounder in that form), would not know of the existence Sonic the Hedgehog 2.
Besides, I still don't see why I would call something new if it was simply old and I hadn't heard of it before. I certainly wouldn't publicly announce that I thought of it as such.
Happy anniversary of Sonic 2uesday, everyone :D.
Kelster23
25 Nov 2006, 04:33
I didn't know which one you were talking about either. Must I be so stupid?
Yes, I shall.:)
GrimOswald
25 Nov 2006, 05:47
Tails walks into a room and sees Knuckles lying on the ground in a pool of blood with a hole in his leg. He rushes over and kneels down beside him. "What on earth happened to you?!" Tails exclaims. And Knuckles replies, "I don't think Sonic has quite gotten the hand of Knucklebones yet..."
Yeah, it sucks, but any excuse to be cruel to Knuckles.:p
What's the hand of knucklebones?
robowurmz
25 Nov 2006, 10:05
Knucklebones is game where (I think) you play jacks, and in the medieval times you used sheeps Knucklebones. Sonic misunderstood Knucklebones and ripped out one of Knuckles's Bones.
Ooh, and guess what? I modified a ROM of Sonic 2 that I had, into Sonic the NinjaHog 2. Check it out at my site: www.mighty-thunder.com
GrimOswald
25 Nov 2006, 10:11
Knucklebones is game where (I think) you play jacks, and in the medieval times you used sheeps Knucklebones. Sonic misunderstood Knucklebones and ripped out one of Knuckles's Bones.
I applaud thee.
Ooh, and guess what? I modified a ROM of Sonic 2 that I had, into Sonic the NinjaHog 2. Check it out at my site: www.mighty-thunder.com
Cool! So how do I use it? I have an emulator and a Sonic 2 ROM.
Joeyjoejoe
4 Dec 2006, 04:58
These are hilarious if you have the right sense of humour. If not they are just stupid.
Why did the kid fall off his bike?
Because his mother threw a fridge at him.
Why did the kid fail his maths test?
Because his mother threw a fridge at him.
Why did the kid suffer multiple fractions, internal bleeding, crushed vertabrae, ruptured organs, brain damage, massive bruising and a sore thumb?
Because he was hit by a truck.
Why couldn't the kid walk through the door?
because he had a javelin through his head.
Why couldn't the baby crawl?
Because it was taped to the floor.
What's brown and crispy and scratches at the glass?
Baby in a microwave.
Whats brown and sticky?
A stick.
Whats red and white?
A baby shaving his head with a potato peeler.
Paul.Power
5 Dec 2006, 20:00
Whats brown and sticky?
A stick.
That one's funny.
agent luke
6 Dec 2006, 00:34
i cracked up on joeyjoejoes jokes for an unknown reason, any way:
Q:What did the farmer say when he lost his truck? A:I can't find my truck!
Q:what did the student do when his teacher asked him a hard question? A:He killed himself.
Q:How many crazy over-powerd nuclear filled grenades-taped-on flammable feul coverd atom bombs does it take to kill a guy? A: 1. :p
Q: why do i have a knife in my head? A:Huh? Wha!?!! AARRGGG!!
Joeyjoejoe
6 Dec 2006, 04:49
Q:what did the student do when his teacher asked him a hard question? A:He killed himself.
That is GREAT!
Here's some more:
Why did the kid fail his Piano Exam?
Because his uncle chopped his hands off with a meat cleaver.
Why did the kid die?
Because his dad shot him.
GrimOswald
6 Dec 2006, 11:28
A cow walks into a bar and asks for a pint of milk, and the bartender says, "Pull the udder one!"
What has red arms and cries?
An emo.
What's the difference between goths and emos?
Emos know they're worthless.
agent luke
6 Dec 2006, 13:17
Here's some more:
Why did the kid fail his Piano Exam?
Because his uncle chopped his hands off with a meat cleaver.
Why did the kid die?
Because his dad shot him.
heh heh heh! Also joeyjoejoe: Double Post=Bad.
Whats brown and sticky?
A stick.
I heard that one at my school. Tis good.
Anyway. Stupid jokes?
A man walks into a bar and says...
"Ouch!"
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